Archive for the ‘Autobiography’ Category

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How Deep Is Your Love — Bee Gees

March 9, 2013

 

The Swan – Rainer Maria Rilke

The laboring through what is still undone,
as though, legs bound, we hobbled along the way,
is like the awkward walking of the swan.

And dying – to let go, no longer feel
the solid ground we stand on every day
is like his anxious letting himself fall
into the water, which receives him gently
and which, as though with reverence and joy,
draws back past him in streams on either side;
while, infinitely silent and aware,
in his full majesty and ever more
indifferent, he condescends to glide.

Remembrance — Rainer Maria Rilke

And you wait, keep waiting for that one thing
which would infinitely enrich your life:
the powerful, uniquely uncommon,
the awakening of dormant stones,
depths that would reveal you to yourself.

In the dusk you notice the book shelves
with their volumes in gold and in brown;
and you think of far lands you journeyed,
of pictures and of shimmering gowns
worn by women you conquered and lost.

And it comes to you all of a sudden:
That was it! And you arise, for you are
aware of a year in your distant past
with its fears and events and prayers.

Like The Water – Wendell Berry

Like the water
of a deep stream,
love is always too much.
We did not make it.
Though we drink till we burst,
we cannot have it all,
or want it all.
In its abundance
it survives our thirst.

In the evening we come down to the shore
to drink our fill,
and sleep,
while it flows
through the regions of the dark.
It does not hold us,
except we keep returning to its rich waters
thirsty.

We enter,
willing to die,
into the commonwealth of its joy.

How Deep is your Love – Bee Gees

I know your eyes in the morning sun
I feel you touch me in the pouring rain
And the moment that you wander far from me
I wanna feel you in my arms again

And you come to me on a summer breeze
Keep me warm in your love then you softly leave
And it’s me you need to show

Chorus:
How deep is your love
How deep is your love
I really mean to learn
Cause we’re living in a world of fools
Breaking us down
When they all should let us be
We belong to you and me

I believe in you
You know the door to my very soul
You’re the light in my deepest darkest hour
You’re my savior when I fall
And you may not think I care for you
When you know down inside
That I really do
And it’s me you need to show…

I wrote earlier that I had temporarily lost track of who was the swan and who was the elemental waters in my  relationship with L. That was part of a commentary in an earlier post by David Whyte on the contrast Rilke draws between nature’s clutz on land and the regal, effortless symbol of beauty when the swan appears to us on water. Water is part of the elemental existence of the swan and something it moves towards so it can be itself. The image is one that I have claimed so as to understand the almost mystical powers that L exerts on my religious and spiritual psyche.

And another image for Water as Love from Wendell Berry: How in the evening we come down to the shore to drink our fill and sleep, while it flows through the regions of the dark unknown to us yet paradoxically so very knowable and part of our psyches, ourselves. No, it does not hold us – there is no dictatorship here, Love seems to demand nothing. We simply surrender all to it. And we keep returning to its rich waters thirsty. It’s the thirst that keys the hermeneutic to whom we are. Christ tells us as much as he hangs in agony from the Cross in love: “I thirst.” Part of being Catholic is to understand how very much God treasures us. We are literally loved into existence.

And what do we owe each other? Is it not the thirst, the depths of our love? I believe in make-up sex. Yes, it usually comes after a fight when two lovers are seeking forgiveness from each other, a forgiveness that seems so unnecessary. But the make-up sex and forgiveness I long to show L is what she owes herself. The more we realize how little we are, the greater the thirst becomes because we know we can be so much more and we long to be so much more. My eyes are the repository of how much more L is and can be.

We’re living in a world of fools and illusions, breaking us down, when they all should let us be. We need to grow in the knowledge that we belong to you and me

 

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Nobody Gets Too Much Heaven — Derek Jeter

February 18, 2013

The above may seem like the ditziest entry to have on a Catholic spirituality site, but my notion of love has come under a kind of assault recently by the notorious Anna Maria Luisa de’ Medici who has played such a key role in my tragic Loving Luisa posts. Careful: This woman might start hanging around monasteries for further victims.

I started to write another Loving Luisa post to add to that continuing opera but it makes me so at such odds with myself it was impossible to continue. So let me talk Bee Gees for a while. When I was seducing young women in the late 70s and 80s this song provided a musical backdrop. Now the way I love is so dramatically different but the passion this song invokes in me has never really changed. Nobody gets too much loving anymore. Not in this fallen world, even when I was getting my brain sexually drilled by 20 somethings I was never getting any love. And I never knew it, of course.

And now when I have moved beyond profane love, I thought I had met a perfect woman who actually fell in love with me first – who was genuinely sad when she thought she wouldn’t see me. It took me a week to figure out what she was experiencing. Sadness at not seeing me? What could it be? It had been so long since anyone had even looked at me with any sense of appreciation at all. And all I needed to do was focus on her. As long as all I had to do was concern myself with her well-being and good, the love flowed effortlessly back to me. I was so happy.

High as mountain and harder to climb? Not at all. And it fueled me with hope. I sensed for the first time that oft misunderstood line from St. Ireneus: “the glory of God is man fully alive.” It may have been profane love but I wasn’t committing any sin that Dante hadn’t trail blazed earlier. It was teaching me about divine love. Beatrice, Luisa, what’s the difference here?  Hence all those Dante posts I dropped on you dear readers. My loves tend toward the wide screen.

The glory of God consists in the realization of this manifestation and communication of His goodness, for which the world was created. God made us “to be His sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of His will, to the praise of His glorious grace,”(Ephesians 1:5-6) for as St Irenaeus states; “the glory of God is man fully alive; moreover man’s life is the vision of god: if God’s revelation through creation has already obtained life for all the beings that dwell on earth, how much more will the Word’s manifestation of the Father obtain life for those who see God.” The ultimate purpose of creation is that God “who is the creator of all things may at last be all in all, thus simultaneously assuring His own glory and our beatitude.”(1 Corinthians 15: 28)
Paragraph 294, The Catechism

And to think my heart was being understood by an atheist added another dimension of understanding that was magnificently paradoxical – God’s practical joke on the Catholic Apologist Blogger.

“And if flows through me and it flows through you and I love you so much more. You’re my life.” That is the love of God. God does become your life. The way Luisa would become part of my life in a way. Not THE way but just “a” way.

“I can see beyond forever. Everything we are will never die. Loving is such a beautiful thing.” Our glory and his beatitude.

Sin means that those who see God must first pass through death, and it is likewise thus for those who persevere in true love, whether in the family or in the consecrated state. This is precisely the meaning of an ecclesial state of life. After the Fall, these can only be the practice of death — the leveraging of death into the death-like loss of self that is love.

The “death-like” character of love is found in the fact that what we finally desire in love is to give ourselves away. De Lubac has expressed this paradox by telling us that what we really desire in “beatitude” is to serve, in “vision” to adore, in “freedom” to be dependent, in “possession” to be in “ecstasy.” Like Screamin’ Jay Hawkins, Luisa had found herself a prize (“I don’t care if you don’t want me, I’m yours.”)

Love’s dangers, vulnerabilities, and sufferings point to something more primitive than sin, something just beyond the reach of our existence. There is a paradox, a certain necessary tension, in this death-like foundation for love…Man, created in the image of God and therefore possessing the mysterious depth and capacity, and therefore “desire,” for communion with God, is incapable of attaining from his own resources this one and final, and therefore in a real sense “only,” fulfillment. The only act that can yield this fulfillment is the act of reception. Ratzinger tells us that death therefore forces a choice. It is the choice between the disposition of loving trust and that of trying in futility to take life and death into our own power.

The above paragraphs were culled from a marvelous essay on The Gospel Of Life And The Integrity Of Death that David Crawford has in the current issue of Communio. In this case we are talking less about death as much as Luisa’s attempt to take our love into her own power, her lack of a loving trust.

It just makes me sad. I don’t understand why she doesn’t understand. Until she wipes away my tears, she will never get it.

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Louise Glück’s Poetry – David Orr

February 14, 2013

louis gluck advert

This was the last book I was able to press into Luisa’s hand. I hate to sound lovesick here because I am not, but at the same time I am dealing with the loss of my best friend. I never thought anyone could be quite so stupid as my Luisa.

If I were in love with someone and couldn’t tolerate it, I would at least have the sense to keep my mouth shut. Why bother to do anything about it? Love either bears fruit or it doesn’t and it you are on the “not bearing fruit” side of the argument, well, why not let the thing play out? A year or two later if nothing has happened, where is the harm in that? No one has led anyone on.

Nothing has been “manipulated,” as my Luisa so famously accused me of doing. My answer was  (of course):  “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends.” [1 Corinthians 13:4-8]

I wonder how that statement would read if it were cast to reflect Luisa’s life experiences (whose love, as it turned out,  insisted on its own way and was  both irritable and resentful.)

I would have endured anything for Luisa’s sake but she never had the faith in love to trust me to do that. It is such a sad story. And I am left to not insist on my own way, if I am to be loyal to my faith.

I recall now that I never answered her question correctly. She had asked “What happens if I never hug or kiss you, and I had taken that as “What happens if I never love you?” Or “What happens if I don’t love you?” Well if my love were untrue it would have ended.

But if it weren’t, nothing would have changed, because love never ends as St. Paul tells us above. I would have gone on believing that one day Luisa would have fully realized her love for me. “You have only to let it happen,” Louise Glück writes below.You see how intolerable my presence was to Luisa.

Reading this review and some of the Glück’s poems I see how this lover who abandoned me matched perfectly with a poet who is credited with having powers of even “the loneliest Gods.” Luisa, my loneliest Goddess. How can our story have ended when my love can bear all, believe all, hope all, and can endure all? But you can’t simply let your love happen?

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Poetry has always been the handmaiden of mythology, and vice versa. Sometimes poets are in the business of collecting and tweaking existing myths, as with Ovid’s “Metamorphoses” and the Poetic Edda. Other times poetry applies a mythological glamour to stories and characters from history, legend or even other myths (the hero of the “Aeneid” is a minor character from the “Iliad”).

Then there are poets who equate the idea of myth with the supposedly irrational essence of poetry itself. Here is Robert Graves in 1948: “No poet can hope, to understand the nature of poetry unless he has had a vision of the Naked King crucified to the lopped oak, and watched the dancers, red-eyed from the acrid smoke of the sacrificial fires, … with a monotonous chant of `Kill! kill! kill!’ and `Blood! blood! blood!” Which might sound more like a strip club picnic gone badly awry, but you get the idea.

The relationship between poetry and mythology is central to Louise Glück’s new Poems .1962-2012 (Farrar, Straus & Giroux, $40), if only because no poet of Glück’s generation has relied more overtly on what Philip Larkin once called “the common myth kitty.” A representative list of titles: “Gemini,” “Aphrodite,” “The Triumph of Achilles,” “Legend,” “A Fantasy,” “A Fable,” “Amazons,” “Penelope’s Song,” “Telemachus’ Dilemma;’ “Circe’s Torment;’ “Eurydice,” “Persephone the Wanderer,” “Persephone the Wanderer” (again). This is not even to count her 1992 book “The Wild Iris,” which is basically an allegorical system based on garden myths, legends and fairy tales are for Glück what heirloom tomatoes are for Alice Waters.

That’s probably inevitable, given her sensibility. Glück has always (and self-consciously) favored abstraction over particularity — from the beginning, she’s written lines that are almost completely devoid of the kind of chatty reportage and pop cultural name-dropping that have been common in American poetry since the death of Frank O’Hara.

A Glück poem is dreamlike, chilly, enigmatic. It is still. It is spare. It is almost aggressively concentrated. It revolves around words like “dark,” “pond,” “soul,” “body” and “earth.” It is the kind of poem that involves frequent use of the expression “it is.” It produces great effects with delicate shifts in tone, like an oceangoing bird that travels a hundred miles between wing flaps. Perhaps more than anything else, it relies on mood, suggestion and atmosphere: Glück is a master not of scenes but of scene setting.

And those settings are usually dark. In her first collection — called, alas, “Firstborn” (1968) — we find a tortured array of thwarted lovers, widows, cripples and angst-ridden families. Even the robins are woebegone (“The mama withers on her eggs”). The debt to Sylvia Plath and Robert Lowell can be overwhelming in this early work, as in the first few lines of “The Lady in the Single”:

Cloistered as the snail and conch
In Edgartown where the Atlantic
Rises to deposit junk
On plush, extensive sand and the pedantic
Meet for tea…

This may as well have “Lowell 1959″ stamped on it. One sees the frightening outlines of what will become Glück’s preoccupations, but they’re awkwardly clothed in borrowed techniques, like ghosts muffled in L. L. Bean jackets.-But then, in her second book, “The House on Marshland” (1975), Glück comes disturbingly into her own. Suddenly the choppy waters of the early poems ‘become smooth, vast and almost completely lightless. The temperament that emerges is relentlessly critical both of itself and of the world it creates, and that criticism is delivered in lines that are, as Helen Vendler once put it, “hierarchic and unearthly.” Here is the beginning of “Messengers”:

You have only to wait, they will find you.
The geese flying low over the marsh,
glittering in black water.
They find you.

The voice here is strange in the word’s original sense – foreign — as if it were coming from an oracle who stopped worrying about humankind centuries ago. Having given us spooky geese, Glück adds in some deer (“How beautiful they are, / as though their bodies did not impede them”). The poem ends:

You have only to let it happen:
that cry — release, release — like the moon wrenched out of earth and rising
full in its circle of arrows

until they come before you
like dead things, saddled with flesh,
and you above them, wounded and dominant.

The key word here is “dominant,” which is Glück’s way of pointing out the covert will to power in the traditional Romantic nature poem (to see ourselves reflected in nature is to make nature our servant). Above all, Glück’s mature poetry is fixated on control.

This is true of all poets to an extent; the structures of poems are ways of organizing (that is, controlling) experience. But it’s one thing to want to control the way a poem looks, quite another to have dreamed up the beginning of “The Drowned Children,” which appeared in Glück’s collection “Descending Figure” (1980):

You see, they, have no judgment.
So it is natural that they should drown,
first the ice taking them in
and then, all winter, their wool scarves
floating behind them as they sink
until at last they are quiet.
And the pond lifts them in its manifold dark arms.

“So it is natural”: obviously, it isn’t natural at all for children to drown — or to the extent it is natural, it should make us wonder what we mean by the word. Which is Glück’s point. The impersonal forces that really do control our lives (time, space, our own unconscious desires) operate in a way that transcends the day-to-day demands of car payments and deadlines. They’re not so much irrational as unrational, and they are implacable. That truth can be frightening, but as Glück’s first few books demonstrate, it can also be unsettlingly beautiful, in the way that a shark can be beautiful, or a tidal wave.

The type of control that most interests Glück, however, is the struggle for mastery among and within people. Her poems about relationships — romantic and familial – are focused relentlessly on the whip hand. On sisters: One is always the watcher, / one the dancer.” On sex: “A woman exposed as rock / has this advantage: / she controls the harbor.” On friendship: “Always in these friendships / one serves, the other, one is less than the other.” On mothers and daughters: Suppose you saw your mother torn between two daughters: What would you do/to save her /but be willing to destroy/ yourself.”

It’s an attitude all too easy to parody –  not every disappointing week-end getaway is a ritual battle between archetypes  –  but in the strongest of Glück’s earlier poems, one sees how monstrous desires penetrate and determine our supposedly ordinary behavior, inciting quiet violence that we don’t even recognize as damage.

The depiction of those unconscious desires is one of the basic functions of myth. It explains why Glück  –  drawn as she is to questions of who is doing what to whom, and why — returns repeatedly to characters who aren’t people so much as embodiments of generalized anxieties, particularly anxieties about betrayal and desertion. (In “Gretel in Darkness,” Gretel addresses Hansel: “Nights I turn to you to hold – me /but you are not there.”) The’ problem is that this strategy can result in poems stranded in their own extremity, like forgotten trail markers in the Arctic.

Glück is well aware of this problem. So as she entered middle age, she began to add more obvious personal references to her work; “Ararat” (1990) is centered on her father’s death, “Meadowlands” (1996) on her divorce. She tinkered with colloquial language. She dabbled, in being, you know, funny. (“I thought my life was over and my heart was broken./ Then I moved to Cambridge”) In taking this route, she followed a narrative well established in American poetry. Roughly, the idea is that a, poet who is intense, closed and obsessed when young gradually learns to appreciate and understand the world giving rise to a personal, personable middle style that is richer than the furious early work.

It’s not a story that should be applied to Glück. While the poetry of her middle period is almost never bad, it can be self-indulgent in its general approach. Where previously Glück invoked myth in ways that preserved its essential strangeness (which is also its truth), she now began to invoke it in ways that felt more obviously like psychological diagnosis. Mythology, psychology and poetry are related but different ways of thinking about how we exist in the world, and while they often overlap to one another’s mutual benefit, it can be deadly to let one determine the other.

Or as Carl Jung put it, “If a work of art is explained as a neurosis then either the work of art is a neurosis or a or a neurosis is a work of art. In Glück’s earlier work we get lines from these from The-Garden” in 1980:

The garden admires you:   
For your sake it smears itself with green pigment;
the ecstatic reds of the roses,  
so that you will come to it with your lovers

But that astringency gives way to lines like these from “Vita Nova” in 1999:

In the splitting up dream
we were fighting over who would keep
the dog
Blizzard. You tell me
what that name means. He was
a cross between
something big and fluffy
and a dachshund

“In the splitting-up dream”: Now, Miss Glück, vee may perhaps to begin. Yes?

If that were the end of the story, it wouldn’t be a bad thing. After all, no poet is required to keep the fire kindled for decades. If she can write 5, or 10, or a dozen very good poems over a career, then she has succeeded — and Glück has managed that feat easily. But there is another element to this particular myth.

Glück’s most recent book, “A Village Life” (2009), is one of her best, and it is good in a way that recalls her earlier work without imitating it. The poems are centered on an unnamed, imaginary village and spoken in the voices of various inhabitants (including a memorable earthworm). The darkness and air of unreality are typical Glück, but the atmosphere is something new. It has the sad hopefulness of the seasons: death, birth, death, rebirth.

More than anything, it has other people. Not other people whom we realize the real Glück probably knows, but people as imagined — which is to say, people who represent a deepening. of Glück’s sensibility. Here is a farmer speaking at the end of “A Village Life”:

In the window, the moon is hanging over the earth,
meaningless but full of messages.
It’s dead, it’s always been dead,
but it pretends to. be something else,
burning like a star, and convincingly,
so that you feel sometimes
it could
actually make something grow on earth.
If there’s an image of the soul, I think that’s what it is.
I move through the dark as though it were natural to
me,
as though I were already a factor in it
Tranquil and still, the day dawns.
On market day, I go to the market with my lettuces.

The lettuce is: a small thing, and so. is the market. But they are not nothing. And the creation of “not nothing” — that is the power given even to the loneliest gods.

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Turned Towards God – Derek Jeter

January 17, 2013
Her serene highness, Anna Maria Luisa de' Medici, a dead ringer for my Luisa. Anna Maria Luisa was the only daughter of Cosimo III de' Medici, Grand Duke of Tuscany, and Marguerite Louise d'Orléans, a niece of Louis XIII of France. On her marriage to Elector Johann Wilhelm II, she became Electress Palatine, and, by patronizing musicians, she earned for the contemporary Palatine court the reputation of an important music centre. As Johann Wilhelm had syphilis the union produced no offspring, which, combined with her siblings' barrenness, meant that the Medici were on the verge of extinction, good riddance to that gang many of her contemporaries might have averred under their breaths. You can visit the site of her last palatial address, The Villa la Quiete in Florence where she willed all the personal property of the Medici's to the Tuscan state, provided that nothing was ever removed from Florence: Alas, Luisa and I will never visit the Villa. I lie crushed and ruined, poisoned by the hand of my Anna Maria Luisa, a Medici to the end.

Her serene highness, Anna Maria Luisa de’ Medici, a dead ringer for my Luisa. Anna Maria Luisa was the only daughter of Cosimo III de’ Medici, Grand Duke of Tuscany, and Marguerite Louise d’Orléans, a niece of Louis XIII of France. On her marriage to Elector Johann Wilhelm II, she became Electress Palatine, and, by patronizing musicians, she earned for the contemporary Palatine court the reputation of an important music centre. As Johann Wilhelm had syphilis the union produced no offspring, which, combined with her siblings’ barrenness, meant that the Medici were on the verge of extinction, good riddance to that gang many of her contemporaries might have averred under their breaths. You can visit the site of her last palatial address, The Villa la Quiete in Florence where she willed all the personal property of the Medici’s to the Tuscan state, provided that nothing was ever removed from Florence: Alas, Luisa and I will never visit the Villa. I lie crushed and ruined, poisoned by the hand of my Anna Maria Luisa, a Medici to the end.

And as suddenly and as shockingly it began, it ended. My lovely Luisa is gone. I had written her a letter she never got to read:

If you are so unsure of yourself that you do not know whether being in my arms is the right thing for you to do, then perhaps it is time to step back from each other or for me to suggest the obvious. Your question (What happens if you’re wrong, Derek? What happens if I never hold you or kiss you?) was chilling, if not gut-wrenching for me. Yes, the answer was in the Neruda poem. One step back for her was one step back for me:

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

“I see you so clearly and yet you do not seem to see yourself,” I had written.

When she left, she had said, “I won’t be emailing you.” She followed that with cancelling a date to do something fun together. Finally she just never showed for her Tues-Fri housekeeping. She had written me before that she had been tempted to just walk away but simply couldn’t. I had taken solace in that, although the idea that you could just leave someone you loved and who loved you without any explanation or apology had left me without oxygen at the time.

So it has finally happened. My oxygen-less existence. An explanation finally arrived after all this was written but it was filled with false air and avoided any mention of our love for each other (“everything that has transpired,” Yeah, right.) The level of psychopathic detachment has rattled my soul. Did I spend weeks staring into this woman’s eyes filled with the love she had for me? Now she wants me to believe I am the one who is at odds with reality: a lecture on how she no longer wants to be “misinterpreted.” It’s not even a stepping back but a denial of everything I felt or reacted to. All of which she more than willingly participated in. It was sick and it has shakened me. I believed in her. I thought she respected me.

More from my letter:

It’s not that much to ask, if you think about it. It should take next to nothing for you to recognize that you wouldn’t treat even your own children this way, never mind the man who so obviously loves you with all his heart. What you are doing is not fair. We will never be friends nor partners in any way until you acknowledge the love we have for each other.

Could you really tell one of your children that you didn’t want him/her to hold you or give you kisses? Do you really expect me to jump all over you and to initiate sex with you that you will later regret? Do you think I am that stupid, really? Or do you fear the power of my seductions? We (You) need to get over this and learn to embrace me: I feel as though I’m getting in your way of your being who you are, your authentic self. I fear I have overwhelmed you and I want to give you the time and space to sort it out for yourself.

And yes, that means even to wrench yourself abnormally away from my love, if you feel the need or your mood or emotions dictate you to do that. I love you so much I will let you do something really stupid that you will regret, Ilsa, “maybe not today maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” (Thank you Bogie).

A poor mood, an addiction to emotions, your darkest side, wears and tears on your body leaving you feeling tired, drained, and empty inside – how you confessed to me you felt. It’s incredibly tough to be successful or happy when your mind is working against you. Unhappiness can damage your relationships, hurting you and them, making everyday a struggle. Yet some are addicted to these kind of punishments and long to be at one with their misery. It’s that acceptance of sorts which happiness (love) upsets. So punish the stupid bastard who loves you. Dig away at him. See if he hates you back as much as you hate yourself.

I genuinely feel that; it’s almost a badge of honor in a way. Luisa hates me as much as she hates herself. She has treated me so shabbily, so hatefully – this is how she treats herself, how others have treated her. I had quoted her the Dylan Thomas poem that I had sensed ruled her world:

To Others Than You — Dylan Thomas

Friend by enemy I call you out.
You with a bad coin in your socket,
You my friend there with a winning air
Who palmed the lie on me when you looked
Brassily at my shyest secret,
Enticed with twinkling bits of the eye
Till the sweet tooth of my love bit dry,
Rasped at last, and I stumbled and sucked,
Whom now I conjure to stand as thief
In the memory worked by mirrors,
With unforgettably smiling act,
Quickness of hand in the velvet glove
And my whole heart under your hammer,
Were once such a creature, so gay and frank
A desireless familiar
I never thought to utter or think
While you displaced a truth in the air,

That though I loved them for their faults
As much as for their good,
My friends were enemies on stilts
With their heads in a cunning cloud.

I am one of her “enemies,” even though I approached her in love. So I am left alone.

Oddly enough, there is no grief in how I feel. I wouldn’t call her a psychopath (until her email) but the results are strangely the same. When Lisa, a true psychopath, did a version of this to me 14 years ago what happened between us was unmistakable and I was grievously hurt. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t seen her true colors.

This is different. Saw it coming from a long way off but chose to love and respond to her instead. In fact, quite frankly, I see another ending as well. Part of me will always wait for Luisa. Even after that email.

She taught me so much. For the two or three weeks I breathed the ether of her being and love and I was part of her: I was a changed man. When I prayed the three theological virtues at the beginning of the Rosary, I was shocked to recognize how much more real was my hope with Luisa than it ever was before in God. Isn’t that terrible to confess? I had always thought my faith and hope were rock solid but in the elevated awareness and expectations of my being with Luisa, I realized that hope had been so far off for me – in that land of choran makra that Fr. Barron tells about when he relates the parable of the prodigal son:

We are told that after a few days, the young man “gathered all he had and traveled to a distant country” (Luke 15:13). We notice the frenzy of possessiveness implied in that “gathering” to himself all that was uniquely his, and we remark the thoroughness of the relational rupture with his father in his journey to a far country.

The Greek here is instructive: the young man sets out to a choran makra, literally a great open space, a place without borders or points of reference. In Plato, the chora is the space in between the forms and physical objects, the realm of nonbeing and nonvisibility. The implication of the parable seems to be that this ontological emptiness is the consequence of the younger son’s severing of relation to his father. This is made explicit in the next phrase, “and there he squandered his property on dissolute living” (15:13).

Like the prodigal son, fresh from cashing in his inheritance from his father who hadn’t seen the grace disappear:

He had made bold to seize ousia[property] from his father and claim it as his own, and now he sees what inevitably occurs when a gift becomes a possession. It is a basic biblical intuition that as long as one is receiving being as a grace and resolving to pass it on as a grace, one paradoxically keeps it.

But if one endeavors to interrupt the flow and seize what is received, then that possession quickly withers away, dissipates. When the young man had spent everything, “a severe famine took place throughout that country, and he began to be in need” (Luke 15:14). Read symbolically, this famine is not merely an unhappy accident that happens to intensify the young man’s suffering; rather, it is the natural condition of the chora makra. Cut off from relationship and the giving and receiving of gifts, one necessarily experiences famine, a starvation of the soul.

My theological virtue of hope was not something that was a grace but rather a possession I stupidly thought I had. The grace of Luisa’s love, that feeling of “pecan” that Bing Crosby spoke of, was what fired my soul those weeks I waited in anticipation of seeing her or reading one of her emails or simply being with her. She felt the same way too. She told me so. She was thrilled to see me.

All gone now. No hope left for me with her. My soul is starved but it’s not really. For I had realized what I didn’t have: that flow of divine life that was missing in my own. I had been dead but I had wakened.  And so shall I waken again. My prayer life is alive with wanting that life she gave me. Isn’t this what Dante had written about Arnaut Dani:

 He (Arnaut Dani) says that he `plor e vau cantan,’ he weeps and sings at the same time. In thought he sees his past madness; with joy, he looks forward to the day of joy which awaits him [Puratorio XXVI.142-8]; but there is still some purging to be completed, so he retreats back into the refining fire.

In the dualistic mindset which possessed, and possesses, most Christian thinking, there would be no difficulty in seeing Arnaut Dani as a representative of false love; he laments his devotion to profane love, and rejoices because he is looking ahead to sacred love. It may even be the case that at certain points of Dante’s career, he too would have thought in this way.

But the reason that Charles Williams thought that the world was still not ready for Dante was that the Comedy is much bolder than this. In Dante’s finished and mature work, there is no such thing as profane love.  [“Loving Luisa” is not a story of profane love. -- dj]

Arnaut Daniel, and the Italian love poets who imitated him, and the traditions of Courtly Love poetry into which Dante, as a young man, were initiated were not idolaters — in the sense of focusing their love on false idols. What Dante was to venture was the possibility that in loving a woman, a man is not turning away from God but towards Him; that the meaning of Incarnation was that men and women, in the flesh as well as in the spirit, became like Christ.

The Comedy is much too subtle a work to make its points loudly or by banging a drum. But the pity of the poet-traveler in Hell is more powerful, rhetorically, for the reader, than the supposed orthodoxy which condemns the lovers everlastingly.

Luisa, my lovely atheist, helped me turn towards God in those vibrant moments of my love for her. The thought probably outrages her but it is true. I’ve never been a better truer me than when I was in love with her. And it happened, no matter what her fucking email says. I know it because I lived it and shame on her for not recognizing me and writing me a love letter goodbye. Will anyone love her better?

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Luisa’s Encaged Soul — Derek Jeter

January 10, 2013
Edward and Josephine Hopper met as young students in art school in New York and married in 1924. Josephine was his only female model, and posed for his 1952 work, Morning Sun. "More than solitude, more than melancholy, this painting is expressing a kind of awakeness," The woman staring out that window is aware of what the day and her life are really about. "She's awake….There is something higher, there is something bigger, there is something more cosmic than this sad and ordinary life which is expressed by this gloomy room. ... I think this is precisely what is always interesting -- something which can be depressing, but at the same time, there is always hope."

Edward and Josephine Hopper met as young students in art school in New York and married in 1924. Josephine was his only female model, and posed for his 1952 work, Morning Sun. “More than solitude, more than melancholy, this painting is expressing a kind of awakeness,” The woman staring out that window is aware of what the day and her life are really about. “She’s awake….There is something higher, there is something bigger, there is something more cosmic than this sad and ordinary life which is expressed by this gloomy room. … I think this is precisely what is always interesting — something which can be depressing, but at the same time, there is always hope.”

More on DJ’s tortured personal life living these Norris Clarke pieces on personhood with an adorable atheist who has renounced the Church and faith.

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Quite a note from Luisa last night:

Back at home feeling better more at ease trying to find a way to be angry with you for laying this all on me but can’t. I’ll try harder tomorrow.  All this happening at an usual time in my life as I’m trying to heal myself and raise 5 children who need me and you putting the ownership on me of what is happening. Still trying to find a way to be angry with you but for now I’ll ease up, rest, sip a little wine and curl up with some books, magazines and thoughts.

This is the follow-up to dealing with her “doom” visit, which was the focus of my previous post on “Loving Luisa.” She did in fact do all the things I had predicted, cancelled any dates to see or listen to beautiful things. Those are the soul-edifying, soul-building actually, exercises that I had planned to lead her into my arms. Like most people who think they are doing fine, Luisa is in fact doing quite poorly and is clueless as to her condition. Telling her that I loved her really rattled the cage that her poor lost disordered spirit is ensnared in. This evaluation of her condition will make her furious perhaps but there is so much truth and so much evidence to support it, I hope it will give her pause.

Yesterday afternoon when she arrived I tried to get her to give me a hug and a first kiss, reiterating that the moves were all on her and that I wasn’t going to be lead or be aggressive in any way. It was a crisis point again. For the first time I pointed out to her that my love is not something I created out of a vacuum and that I KNEW that she loved me. Did that ever hit home particularly after reading Neruda’s If You Forget Me:

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

Everything I have ever said or done, sitting and talking with her in the kitchen, buying her little gifts, taking her out to dinner and the movies, holding hands was always totally in response to that love. She delighted in all of it and I delighted in doing it. “While I give to you as you give to me,” sang Bing in High Society.  “On and on it will always be, true love, true love.” We are poster children for that song. She knows it, too. And her soul crashes to one side and the other of that cage (which she would deny the existence of).

Look at that silly note she wrote me: “I’m trying to heal myself and raise 5 children who need me.” Several weeks ago I read part of a W. Norris piece: “in its self-being it (Being, our persons) does not belong to itself; that it only comes to itself by moving away from itself and finding its way back as relatedness to its true primordial state” [Joseph Ratzinger, Introduction to Christianity] Luisa does not belong to herself and therefore cannot possess herself in order to heal it. True healing will only take place by allowing herself to experience her love for beauty, music, art and the intrinsically relational character of her personhood precisely as the highest mode of her being [love]. As Clarke noted “Person and being are, in a sense, paradigms of each other.” Told in a much simpler manner, we all learn that we only get by learning to give.

I loved W. Norris Clarke’s image of the Sleeping Beauty as we waken to our true selves:

Like the Sleeping Beauty, we must first be touched by another before we can wake up to ourselves. This process of awakening from latent to explicit self-consciousness is one that unfolds slowly, spread out over several years of time. And it seems that the explicit awakening to self-awareness as an “I,” as a self, can only be done by another human person, reaching out to us with love and treating us as a person, calling us into an I-Thou relation.

As Luisa is called to healing and a new self-consciousness I pray that she realizes more of who she is:

So we must first go out to the external world, in particular to other persons, and then return to our center, newly awakened to recognize ourselves, explicitly as persons. The relation to others comes first, then the awakening to ourselves as persons. This early process has been beautifully described by John Macmurray (among others) in his book, Persons in Relation.

The process then continues on, through adolescence, where the young person is trying to distinguish itself from its parents and relate to its peers, especially of the opposite sex, through young adulthood and beyond, where gradually, through experience, reflection on it, and taking responsibility for our actions, we come to take fuller conscious possession of our own unique personality, to discover just “who I am” as a unique distinctive person among other persons in the world. The process actually continues all through one’s life — ideally — as new facets of the self that were formerly in shadow slowly emerge into the light. There are still quite a few surprises left even after one has reached 70, as I can testify from experience.

It does not seem, however, that the process of self-possession through self-knowledge can ever reach a final stage of completeness and total clarity for a human person at any time throughout his life, at least this present chapter of it. The human self remains always a “known-unknown,” a mysterious abyss, in which more remains unknown than known, like the tip of an iceberg emerging above water.

After an emotionally stultifying marriage Luisa has her soul encaged on the far side of the moon. And she finds it being called out, awakened not by a prince but by a scarred, aging, fat, toothless , impotent veteran (with a certain Jack Nicholson charm, I might add, thank you). On one level I concede that as the winner of this lottery that awards me as the prize, it is probably nothing short of horrifying but as I noted above my confession of love did not take place in a vacuum.

How she interprets that as “laying it all on her” when I’ve been showing her how her person is, by its very act of being, relational and finds its highest mode of relationality in love. One thing I can affirm is that she is not alone in this. And that my misery matches hers tear for tear. Love is what will eventually heal her if Luisa can ever find the way to reach out, release her encaged person and let it peek out from the other side of that moon she has spinning around inside herself.

Unlike the Sleeping Beauty metaphor of the young girl awakening to a world of relationships and love, my Sleeping Beauty has been awake all through the trauma of her imprisoned marriage. She is scarred and bruised and is in no mood for further talk of “love.” Shit, she knows what “love” is and I can park it outside anywhere I like. I am the prince as asshole in this tale of fury. So quickly she has banned all of my devious ways of accessing her soul.

She knows sitting next to me at a Verdi opera or strolling through the Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum after attending a lecture will cut into the fear and self loathing she experiences over her divorce and children. It’s almost as if she can’t allow herself to puncture the grief and have such happiness, so she has struck back – no more of that she snarls! No more of your sneaky “dates.”  She “knows” what I’m trying to do, sees through my seductions – and seductions they rightly are. Poor Luisa. Nowhere to run. Trapped in her own existential poverty as it were.

As someone who spent years in a country that gave us shiatsu, I developed an eye for seeing people in stress – how they hold themselves, how they move. Luisa is a deeply stressed person. I ache to simply hold her and massage her head, neck and shoulders. The master masseur lurking. I doubt I am any better off physically, beset by disease, scurrying around by cane. We have been through some terrible wars, she and I, but there is no self-healing option open to us. It is illusionary.

 Joseph is told that the child’s name will be called Jesus, a name derived from the Hebrew word meaning “to rescue,” because “he will save people from their sins.” That seems at once too little and too much, Benedict says. He compares the verse with the episode of the paralytic in Luke, who hears Jesus say, “Your sins are forgiven.” But he wanted to walk — and the Jews wanted freedom from their overlords. The paralytic would indeed rise up and walk, but the point is clear: The gospel calls people to no less than complete love of God and neighbor — to the surrender of illusions that we can heal ourselves.
Anthony Esolen, The Shadow Of The Cross Falling Upon The Stable At Bethlehem

God forces us to find our salvation by loving the other. Luisa is my other. She is my Elizabeth exclaiming “And how has it happened to me, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?” What is the answer for that? Is it simply that Elizabeth had made herself available through love to Mary? Mary will turn to those who love her, a simple fact that answers Elizabeth’s question and which the gospel narrative leaves unanswered as well.

I don’t really know what to do – outside of prayer – just the thing for an atheist, I imagine. I sense a lot of spirits rooting for me a world membrane away. But enough of that…I feel utterly lost without her. I can’t believe she has left me but our beautiful life is gone. A day has passed; she writes me no longer. You have no partner, Lord. He has chosen not to abide with you; there are no prayers or meditations. You’ve been abandoned. How many times has Jesus absorbed this pain?

‘I have worked, I am tired,
The pencil dulls in my hand: I see through the window
Walls upon walls of windows with faces behind them,
Smoke floating up to the sky, an ascension of sea-gulls.
I am tired. I have struggled in vain, my decision was fruitless,
Why then do I wait? with darkness, so easy, at hand?
But tomorrow, perhaps… I will wait and endure till tomorrow!’…
Or again: ‘It is dark. The decision is made. I am vanquished
By terror of life. The walls mount slowly about me
In coldness. I had not the courage. I was forsaken.
I cried out, was answered by silence… Tetélestai!

I struggle with John Crosby’s “heteropathic dissolving of ourselves into our relations with others,” I can be overcome with her misery, becoming a mere doormat or mirror for her condition, losing my own sense of uniqueness and dignity in the process. I need to rise above this. I have the courage. I have the answers. But for the time being I am overcome with sadness and despair. How can one truly love an atheist?

And for what, except for you, do I feel love?
Do I press the extremest book of the wisest man
Close to me, hidden in me day and night?
In the uncertain light of single, certain truth,
Equal in living changingness to the light
In which I meet you, in which we sit at rest,
For a moment in the central of our being,
The vivid transparence that you bring is peace.
Wallace Stevens

All I seem to have are pleasing thoughts.

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Loving Luisa – Derek Jeter

January 8, 2013
The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most: and his suffering comes to him from things so little and so trivial that one can say that it is no longer objective at all. It is his own existence, his own being that is at once the source of his pain, and his very existence and consciousness is his greatest torture. This is another of the great perversions by which the devil uses our philosophies to turn our whole nature inside out, and eviscerate all our capacities for good, turning them against ourselves.

The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most: and his suffering comes to him from things so little and so trivial that one can say that it is no longer objective at all. It is his own existence, his own being that is at once the source of his pain, and his very existence and consciousness is his greatest torture. This is another of the great perversions by which the devil uses our philosophies to turn our whole nature inside out, and eviscerate all our capacities for good, turning them against ourselves.

You know, I post all these theological musings on the nature of the person and sometimes the true significance of what is written may elude us. Fear not, my loyal readers, my tumultuous dumb animal life will illustrate what these things come to mean in the real world. Read on…

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The news is so ominous now that when Louisa comes here on Tuesday, she is going to have something to say. This follows our date last Friday which was a delightful time and just thrilling actually. It is amazing how love is able to infuse the mundane with an electricity that elevates it to the transcendent. Recall my post from High Society:

Bing:         Tomato juice? How did you make this? It tastes fantastic.

Grace:      I opened the can and poured it in the glass.

Bing:         Why it’s marvelous! It’s just so…pecan.

That’s what is was Friday night: pecan. A meal at a Japanese restaurant with Louisa’s looking so happy. It’s hard not to be happy with the way Japanese sushi chefs plate a meal. It really is so beautiful you hate to touch it, never mind if you have some anorexic gene that makes you resist ploughing through it with unrestrained gusto. Louisa possesses that impulse, always a doggie bag for the ride home with her. She is “still full” on Saturday. She keeps her killer figure but I look forward to a little middle-aged fat. She’s too beautiful – the fat will either give her a new self-esteem and rest or cause her to obsess uselessly for lost youth – the former will eventually win out. I’m thinking the middle aged Sophia Loren here, more beautiful than her youthful bombshell could ever have been and recognized as a great actress, accomplished, finally.

We go back to my apartment and talk – we are always talking and I try to explain how my feelings for her slipped into higher gear. The restrained “willing the good of the other as other” somehow wound up in a fifth gear and I became like every other serial lecher, overwhelmed with desire.

My diabetes and neuropathy (nerve damage in my feet and legs)has  left my cock deadened and impotent, so I am unable to obtain any sexual release. Any kind of reverie leaves me with a terrible physical ache. It’s a kind of punishment, really – a great way to control pornographic urges that I could never recommend. I’m not sure if she knows that about me (the impotence) although I recall telling her early on so that she shouldn’t worry about being alone with me in the apartment. Don’t worry, you will never find me throwing you over my shoulder and assaulting you – I’m not built that way any longer.

On Friday night walking across the parking lot at the movie theatre, I grabbed her hand and told her that since she was on a date that meant she would have to hold hands with me. She smiled, she was so happy (Did she give me a squeeze of the hand back? I think so.) and off we went like every other couple. I love her so much, I experience such delirium in those moments I should be ashamed of myself.

Holding hands is one of those acts of physical intimacy that couples on the road to divorce lose so tragically. For a husband the act signals a kind of primacy of role. I asked her one day if she knew the meaning of the word “husband,” and happily she didn’t. I reminded her of the related terms we find in plant or animal husbandry, the notion of caring and developing. I told her I wanted to be her husband and I would provide food for her soul – take her to see beautiful things and listen to beautiful music, entertain her with an evening at the movies, sit her down in front of a beautiful dish of food. Take her for a walk on a beautiful beach. Seducing Louisa would become my main occupation in life. But most of all it would be to challenge her with ideas and then listen to her.

There is a kind of abuse some women endure in a marriage that leads to divorce – not anything physical, no battery or anything – just the relentlessness of a reduced expectation by their spouses, of having to be around someone who has quit the relationship.

Yes, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” but it never survives being ignored and partnering with the emotionally unavailable. Even God demands we praise Him. It is one of the main ways we love with all our heart and all our soul and all our might. Those of us who meditate on the Rosary spend 40 minutes or so in a kind of divine conversation with Him. We “ponder” as Mary did (and in a kind of communion with her) the events of His life, constantly expanding and seeing the myriad connections with our own. It is a true meditation on ourselves and anyone who learns the practice is eternally grateful for it.

Would we really expect a spiritual relationship with God if we held ourselves in a kind of stony silence or were always busy with something else? Yet this is what Louisa endured for years with a husband who had abandoned any pretext of husbanding and worried only about control, keeping her barefoot and pregnant. As if you could control anyone so as to make them love you: think keeping the human as pet. Yet in the real fallen world this is a common occurrence.

The day I first felt that she loved me – she told me she would be unable to come and do the housekeeping for me – there was a sadness when she told me that and I was amazed. Why would anyone be sad at not seeing me anymore? Took me a while to figure it out but that was when I saw this young, beautiful woman for the first time. And I responded. How could I not?

Sometimes it meant just sitting out in the kitchen with her and talking to her, listening to her. How I loved that. It was like casting a rain of dew over a green meadow and watching a transcendent green pulsate with life, happiness and fulfillment. And so I fell in love. I didn’t mean to and I knew it was dangerous.

But I declared that love to her Friday evening when we took a break back at the apartment between dinner and the movie. I tried to tell her not to worry but I think I set off some bad vibrations that night. Too much, too fast, typical me. Wildly inappropriate, boundless passion; why can’t I learn to shut up?

The holding hands was fine but when she dropped me off in front of the building I couldn’t resist teasing her dominant role that evening: driving the car, dealing with directions and all that. Recalling the tensions of my teen dating life, I said, “Are you going to walk me to my door and give me a good night hug and kiss?” I got a pretty abrupt, “I’ll walk you to the door OK but no hug or kiss.” That rather cast a pall. You would have thought I had proposed forty minutes of heavy petting in the back seat.

I was still pushing the issue in an email on Saturday:

You were delightful last night, or at least up until the moment you refused to walk me to my door and give me a gentle hug and kiss. Those moments are rarer for you than a trip to the movies and you shouldn’t let them pass you by. As Rick told Ilsa in Casablanca, you may come to regret them, “Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.”

And that is when she kicked back:

I enjoyed our evening last night a pleasant memory that stayed with me today. For reasons I’m unable to articulate right now and even if I could I would not write in an email. I simply can’t meet for dinner tonight due to lack of appetite lately and too full from a range of emotions. I write this at the risk of adding to a list of regrets (not something I take lightly).

The issue of regrets had come up in an earlier conversation with her. I had told her a story of how I had abandoned my lover and gone back to my abusive marriage so that I could enable my Japanese wife to take over my business and establish herself. It took three or four years for me to realize that the wife would only respond with playing on my guilt over leaving her and stick to her self-destructive ways. What a loss on my part: I sacrificed myself and the woman I truly loved for nothing – absolutely nothing. Four years of unremitting misery.

I think of Thomas Merton looking back on the death of his father:

The Death Of His Father: Suffering
We went into the ward. Father was in his bed, to the left, just as you went in the door.

And when I saw him, I knew at once there was no hope of him living much longer His face was swollen. His eyes were not clear but, above all, the tumor had raised a tremendous swelling on his forehead.

I said: “How are you, Father?”

He looked at me and put forth his hand, in a confused and unhappy way, and I realized that he could no longer even speak. But at the same time, you could see that he knew us, and knew what was going on, and that his mind was clear, and that he understood everything.

But the sorrow of his great helplessness suddenly fell upon me like a mountain. I was crushed by it. The tears sprang to my eyes. Nobody said anything more.

I hid my face in the blanket and cried. And poor father wept, too. The others stood by. It was excruciatingly sad. We were completely helpless. There was nothing anyone could do…

What could I make of so much suffering? There was no way for me, or for anyone in the family, to get anything out of it. It was a raw wound for which there was no adequate relief. You had to take it, like an animal. We were in the condition of most of the world, the condition of men without faith in the presence of war, disease, pain, starvation, suffering, plague, bombardment, death. You just had to take it, like a dumb animal. Try to avoid it if you could. But you must eventually reach the point where you can’t avoid it any more. Take it. Try to stupefy yourself, if you like, so that it won’t hurt so much. But you will always have to take some of it. And it will all devour you in the end.

Indeed the truth that many people never understand, until it is too late, is that the more you try to avoid suffering, the more you suffer, because smaller insignificant things begin to torture you, in proportion to your fear of being hurt. The one who does most to avoid suffering is, in the end, the one who suffers most: and his suffering comes to him from things so little and so trivial that one can say that it is no longer objective at all. It is his own existence, his own being that is at once the source of his pain, and his very existence and consciousness is his greatest torture. This is another of the great perversions by which the devil uses our philosophies to turn our whole nature inside out, and eviscerate all our capacities for good, turning them against ourselves.

And this is my great fear of Tuesday coming with Louisa – that she will step back from me.

The terrible cost of loving is performed by simply putting yourself out there: the utter stupidity of the older man and the younger woman. “No fool like an old fool,” they say. And there is nothing left to say but to watch Louisa withdraw back into the dumb animal of her suffering. I have hurt her and my grief is raw and real.

Recently, at night, I get up at two in the morning or so and sit in my stupid dumb animal apartment surrounded by my stupid dumb animal books and weep my dumb animal tears. The certified dumb animal of the place, my Siamese cat, Jussi, looks on with the wisdom of a superior being. He is such a useless shit, I think he practices a kind of Vajrayana Buddhism. He’s very smug for a cat.

I love Luisa so dearly. Can God rescue me from this?

And if she plans to have me submit to some tiny lecture on how she has withdrawn her love, well here is a well-thought out poem that I subscribe to:

If You Forget Me – Pablo Neruda

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

I need to be in her arms so much. I am a dishonorable man, crushed by the snares of life, seeking something so fragile I hold my breath so as not to break it.

Love Song by Rainer Maria Rilke

How can I keep my soul in me, so that
it doesn’t touch your soul? How can I raise
it high enough, past you, to other things?
I would like to shelter it, among remote
lost objects, in some dark and silent place
that doesn’t resonate when your depths resound.
Yet everything that touches us, me and you,
takes us together like a violin’s bow,
which draws one voice out of two separate strings.
Upon what instrument are we two spanned?
And what musician holds us in his hand?
Oh sweetest song.

My sweet atheist, I wonder as you read “What musician holds us in his hand?” …What the hell is he talking about? How does she read love poetry? All this talk of soul and spirit: “…as long as you live it will be in your arms without leaving mine…”

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Deuteronomy 6:4-7

December 9, 2012

dawn

Reading Deuteronomy 6:4-7

Hear, O Israel: The Lord is our God, the Lord alone. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your might. Keep these words that I am commanding you today in your heart. Recite them to your children and talk about them when you are at home and when you are away, when you lie down and when you rise.

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Couldn’t help but notice how the translations vary on this: heart, soul and might for the NSRV (which I always use on Paying Attention to the Sky here); while others substitute strength and mind. I like “might” and see it as something we moderns might interpret as “will.” Aquinas, after all, defined love as “willing the good of the other as other,” so it is not as though “will” is in anyway antithetical to a discussion of love. Would you substitute it for heart or soul? Or do you prefer the will/might coupling as I do?

Recently I have been falling ever so slowly in love with a beautiful young Italian woman half my age. I would need to love this person with all my might for it to happen. She might just be the last person I think God would wish on me. Hence my thought that love requires an act of might for it to succeed. Heart appears to substitute for mind, although I can be of two minds on this (never two hearts, though); hence my suspicion of a secular view sneaking in the back door on this. What say you?

I wonder whether the following is describing love, although Taylor was describing the interior lives of believers and nonbelievers:

We all see our lives and/or the space wherein we live our lives as having a certain moral/spiritual shape. Somewhere, in some activity, or condition, lies a fullness, a richness: that is, in that place (activity or condition), life is fuller, richer, deeper, more worth while, or admirable, more what it should be. This is perhaps a place of power: we often experience this as deeply moving, as inspiring.

Perhaps this sense of fullness is something we just catch glimpses of from afar off; we have the powerful intuition of what fullness would be, were we to be in that condition, e.g., of peace or wholeness: or able to act on that level of integrity or generosity or abandonment or self-forgetfulness. But sometimes there will moments of experienced fullness, of joy and fulfillment, where we feel ourselves there.
Charles Taylor,  A Secular Age

Understanding isn’t something that belongs to reason. Understanding comes to pass as an outward sign of inward grace:

And for what, except for you, do I feel love?
Do I press the extremest book of the wisest man
Close to me, hidden in me day and night?
In the uncertain light of single, certain truth,
Equal in living changingness to the light
In which I meet you, in which we sit at rest,
For a moment in the central of our being,
The vivid transparence that you bring is peace.
Wallace Stevens

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Catholic and American – Derek Jeter

October 3, 2012

In my takeaways from the Communio Study Group I mentioned the nature of Catholic communion and the internal unity of the Church that John XXIII was expecting to act as a as a leaven in order to restore the unity of the human race. John XXIII saw the world of the mid-twentieth century as a place of grave crisis. One of the more tragic periods of history, he said, was marked by a great disunity among the peoples of the world. “History that had been marked in recent decades by war and fratricide, by Nazism and racism, by Communism and class warfare,[it] had forgotten not only God; it had forgotten that the human race is one human family.” 50 years later one could be snarky and say not much has changed but in some ways the challenges to the Catholic Church are more clearly defined. And perhaps even easier to understand in this America of the 21st century.

A question that occurred to me was how my relationship with my country is different from my relationship with the Church. How is being a Catholic different from being an American? As an American I am an individual who participates in a democracy that grants me a privileged status as a Vietnam Veteran. Thanks to my war service I receive disability benefits and thanks to the payments I made to social security I get retirement benefits. In both those cases I belong to a group that the secular society has chosen to reward.

As a Catholic however I am marginalized by my government. My government supports abortion and uses my taxes to fund it both here and overseas. I find Catholic Charities, hospitals and social service agencies under siege as they attempt to fulfill the conscience and teachings of Matthew 25 in the public square.

Were gay marriage to become the law of the land I worry that the courts may direct my Church to perform the marriage sacrament so as not to be prejudicial against gay Americans. I have seen Catholic Charities in Boston close its doors to its adoption agencies for refusal to place children with gay couples. Will Churches be next? What about hospitals after Obama Care kicks in with its proscriptions against health care workers who wish to exercise a conscience clause and not participate in abortions or providing contraceptive medications?

HHS Secretary Sibelius has already gone on record to say that if they (Catholics) have a problem with doing those things they shouldn’t be working in health care in the first place. Will Catholic hospitals be sold so as to continue under the new Obama plan: At a public hearing on the sale of Caritas Christi, the health-care system of the Boston archdiocese, the director of the 6-hospital system admitted that he could not guarantee the continuation of the institution’s Catholic identity after the transfer. James Karam argued in favor of the sale, to the Cerberus capital firm, because he said the only alternative would be closing the hospitals

This article in the WSJ recently on events in Chicago as Obama Care rolls out:

On Monday, Catholic Charities of Chicago — the social-welfare arm of the archdiocese — joined other Illinois Catholic organizations to file a lawsuit against the Obama administration’s mandate that would force these Catholic groups to offer free contraceptives through their insurance, in violation of church teaching. The suit’s message is direct: Mr. President, your mandate will make it impossible for us to do our jobs.

Judging from how President Obama now sounds like George W. Bush when he talks about the Catholic Church, the president appreciates the political harm his mandate is doing. At a campaign stop last Thursday in Ohio, he repeated what has become a stock line: “When I first got my job as an organizer for the Catholic churches in Chicago . . . they taught me that no government program can replace good neighbors and people who care deeply about their communities [and] who are fighting on their behalf.”

In terms of religious liberty, the new lawsuit breaks no new legal ground. What it does is offer a window into how much the decency of daily American life depends on churches using their free-exercise rights. Our nation’s third-largest city provides an especially compelling example.

Chicago’s Catholic Charities employs 2,700 full- and part-time staffers delivering relief aimed at helping people achieve self-sufficiency. They do everything from stocking food pantries to helping people with HIV/AIDS, resettling refugees, housing seniors, and training people for jobs.

Last year alone, that translated into 19 million meals in the form of groceries for single moms, another 2.5 million meals served to the hungry or homeless, 458,000 nights of shelter for families and children, and 897,481 hours of homemaker services for seniors. And these numbers don’t include the thousands of inner-city children served by the archdiocese’s Catholic schools but not on the Catholic Charities budget.

When you ask the Rev. Michael Boland, president and CEO of Catholic Charities, what percentage of those he serves are Catholic, he answers that he doesn’t know, because they don’t ask. The Obama administration’s mandate would change that. Particularly galling, he says, is the charge that his church is engaged in a “war on women” — when 80% of those his organization serves are women and children.

As the lawsuit puts it: Enforcing the mandate could soon require Catholic Charities to “stop providing educational opportunities to non-Catholics, stop serving non-Catholics, and fire non-Catholic employees — actions that would betray their religious commitment to serving all in need without regard to religion.”

Yes, the bulk of the Catholic Charities budget these days comes from government funding. There’s a perfectly legitimate public question about what accepting that funding means for both society and the church.

It’s not, however, the only public question. Another important one is this: Will our society rely on civic institutions or the government to deliver these services? Does anyone really believe we would be better off turning over the work of Catholic Charities to states or the feds — with their higher costs, greater bureaucracy, and loss in efficiency?

In a recent report, Catholic Charities notes that it costs Medicaid (read: taxpayers) $43,000 per year for every senior in a nursing home. By contrast, Catholic Charities provides day care for seniors at $6,461 per year, home-delivered meals at $1,188 and services such as housecleaning for $4,028. Any one of these services can keep an elderly citizen in his own house instead of being sent to a nursing home (one of the great drivers of Medicaid’s escalating costs).

Overall, 92 cents of every Catholic Charities dollar goes to recipients, which is one reason Catholic Charities is so often chosen for contracts. The church can provide such value because for every staffer, it has nearly seven volunteers. That works out to a volunteer army of 17,000 people, larger than Chicago’s police force.

It’s worth asking what Chicago might look like if these religious volunteers were limited to employing and serving only those who share their faith. And not just Chicago. Across America, volunteers with other faith groups are also reclaiming lives and neighborhoods in a way that even Mr. Obama says is far superior to any government program.

Archbishop Timothy Dolan of New York recently wrote:

Coercing religious ministries and citizens to pay directly for actions that violate their teaching is an unprecedented incursion into freedom of conscience. Organizations fear that this unjust rule will force them to take one horn or the other of an unacceptable dilemma: Stop serving people of all faiths in their ministries — so that they will fall under the narrow exemption — or stop providing health-care coverage to their own employees.

The Catholic Church defends religious liberty, including freedom of conscience, for everyone. The Amish do not carry health insurance. The government respects their principles. Christian Scientists want to heal by prayer alone, and the new health-care reform law respects that. Quakers and others object to killing even in wartime, and the government respects that principle for conscientious objectors. By its decision, the Obama administration has failed to show the same respect for the consciences of Catholics and others who object to treating pregnancy as a disease.

This latest erosion of our first freedom should make all Americans pause. When the government tampers with a freedom so fundamental to the life of our nation, one shudders to think what lies ahead.

So how does my life as an American contrast with my life as a Catholic? If the former features my identity as an individual with rights and privileges divvied up by my secular masters and fellow citizens then the latter is one where I explore my personhood and an anthropology that derives its power from who I am and the spiritual character of my soul. This is what John XXIII wanted to pass on to the world.

Our Lord’s account of redemption, restoring human nature from original sin and winning back for us what we had lost, has bought us something much greater than we could ever have lost. “And where sins abounded, grace did more abound (Romans5:20). Through Jesus Christ, who is the way to eternal life, anew creation was called into being. Man redeemed has become the brother and co-heir of the Son of God. This is why the Church begins one of her prayers in the Mass with the words, “O God, by whom the dignity of human nature was wondrously established and yet more wondrously restored.”… Original sin had destroyed man’s bridge of access to God, and only from God’s side could that bridge be rebuilt. Jesus Christ rebuild it.
Josef Pieper and Heinz Raskop, What Catholics Believe

As a Catholic, my religious tradition explodes from the Jewish Old Testament:

The divine Will is perfectly good and righteous and holy and just. God is the only god you can’t bribe. And since that is the character of Ultimate Reality — and since in order to be really real we must conform to the character of Ultimate Reality — therefore the meaning of life is to be holy, to be a saint. Morality flows from metaphysics because goodness flows from God. “You must be holy because I the Lord your God am holy.”

The connection is repeated like a liturgical formula in the Torah. Unlike the gods of the polytheists and unlike the god of the pantheists, God has no dark side. And that is why we shouldn’t have a dark side either. The consequences of the Jewish metaphysics for ethics have been world-shaking. The whole world got a Jewish mother, a Jewish conscience, because the world got the Jewish Father.

This divine goodness is not just perfect, it is more than perfect. It spills out beyond itself like sunlight. It is agape, generosity, altruism, self-giving, self-sacrificial love. God seeks intimacy with Man, God seeks to marry Man. “Your creator shall become your Husband,” says Isaiah (54:5). To that end, He makes covenants, to prepare for the fundamental covenant, marriage. No pagan ever suspected the possibility of such intimacy, even with their finite, anthropomorphic gods: that is, the relationship scripture calls “faith,” or fidelity. And therefore no pagan ever understood the deeper meaning and terror of “sin” either, for sin is the breaking of that relationship. Sin is to faith what infidelity is to marriage. Only one who knows the wonder of marriage can know the horror of infidelity.
Peter Kreeft, Jesus As Metaphysician

How else, but for Christ, could we have known that God loves us? I mean really loves us, not just with proper philanthropy but with utterly improper passion. Even if any man dared to hope this, what ground could there possibly be for such a crazy hope? What data do we have? What evidence? Certainly not nature (“nature red in tooth and claw” Lord Alfred Tennyson, In Memoriam AHH), or human life (“solitary, poor, nasty, brutish, and short” Thomas Hobbes, The Leviathan), or human history (“the slaughter-bench at which the happiness of peoples is sacrificed” Georg Hegel). The only data we have to know that God is love is Christ.
Peter Kreeft, Jesus As Metaphysician

That knowledge comes from our personhood and our very being:

Being is not just presence, but active presence, tending by nature to pour over into active self-manifestation and self-communication to others. And if personal being is really being itself only at its supra-material levels, then it follows that to be a person as such is to be a being that tends by nature to pour over into active, conscious self-manifestation and self-communication to others, through intellect and will working together.

And if the person in question is a good person, i.e., rightly ordered in its conscious free action, then this active presence to others will take the form of willing what is truly good for them, which is itself a definition of love in its broadest meaning, defined by Thomas as “willing good to another for its own sake.” To be a person, then, is to be a bi-polar being that is at once present in itself, actively possessing itself by its self-consciousness (its substantial pole), and also actively oriented towards others, toward active loving self-communication to others (its relational pole). To be an authentic person, in a word, is to be a lover, to live a life of interpersonal self-giving and receiving. Person is essentially a “we” term. Person exists in its fullness only in the plural. As Jacques Maritain puts it felicitously:

Thus it is that when a man has been really awakened to the sense of being or existence, and grasps intuitively the obscure, living depth of the Self and subjectivity, he discovers by the same token the basic generosity of existence and realizes, by virtue of the inner dynamism of this intuition, that love is not a passing pleasure or emotion, but the very meaning of his being alive.
Jacques Maritain, Existence and the Existent

Thus subjectivity reveals itself as “self-mastery for self-giving… by spiritual existing in the manner of a gift.”
Jacques Maritain, Challenges and Renewals

Josef Pieper has also caught well the intrinsic bipolarity of personal being as spirit, when, commenting on a brief sentence of St. Thomas, he unfolds it thus:

The higher the form of intrinsic existence, the more developed becomes the relatedness with reality, also the more profound and comprehensive becomes the sphere of this relationship: namely, the world. And the deeper such relations penetrate the world of reality, the more intrinsic becomes the subject’s existence. . . These two aspects combined — dwelling most intensively within itself, and being capax universi, able to grasp the universe — together constitute the essence of the spirit. Any definition of “spirit” will have to contain these two aspects as its core.
Josef Pieper, Living the Truth

Transpose “spirit” into “person,” as being itself existing on the spiritual level, and Pieper and I are both expressing the same insight.
Fr. W. Norris Clarke, Person, Being, and St. Thomas

Call it human soul or person or spirit, this is who we are and how we need to treat each other. It is precisely what the atheist secular society rejects in its insistence on the “individual,” “rights,” and “fairness” code words for excusing the worst sort of morality and behavior.

What would underlie the dialogue between Church and World? I will address that in my next post.

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Mythopoeia and Me – Derek Jeter

September 18, 2012

Mythopoetic thinking approaches cosmic reality first through a sure instinct that there exists a spontaneous accord between our spirit and that reality, then through the very quality which allows our spirit to grasp reality, not only from one specific and superficial viewpoint, but by means of a deep sympathy with its inner structure and its fundamental evolution.
Martin Heidegger, Poetry, Language, Thought

I have a favorite poem that echoes experiences of mine. Did I have the experiences and recognize them in the poem or did I read the poem and then view my experiences through its powerful lens? Does it matter?  The verses I recall are part of a reverie on death written by Conrad Aiken many years ago. I met Mr. Aiken when I was 14 or so (also many years ago) and became familiar with his story thanks to my best friend’s father, the poet Charles Philbrick. Mr Philbrick has passed some 40 years ago but many of my fondest summer memories of my youth were spent at his house on Blackfish Creek in South Wellfleet MA, growing up as the fifth boy in his family.

His son Steve had asked him to tell us the story again of Mr. Aiken and I recall his watching me as the tale unfolded. While I recall the overall narrative, the son finding his mother dead, shot by his insane father, the telling was punctuated by the words “Shot dead” and delivered in such a manner that in the stunned silence that followed there was great appreciation for the story teller who had mesmerized us with the telling. Steve was immensely proud of his Dad and I know that I had completely fallen under his powers, which tickled his fancy further. See, he seemed to be saying: This is what poets do. Some forty years ago and I can still recall the moment.

Meeting Mr. Aiken some time later was anti-climactic and finding some of his poems in my 20s was another byproduct of my youth. Tetélestai was a poem I memorized and could speak from memory. I read it at my father’s funeral, although it had little to do with us and more with my own darkness and sense of abandonment and despair.

Listen! …It says: ‘I lean by the river. The willows
Are yellowed with bud. White clouds roar up from the south
And darken the ripples; but they cannot darken my heart,
Nor the face like a star in my heart! …Rain falls on the water
And pelts it, and rings it with silver. The willow trees glisten,
The sparrows chirp under the eaves; but the face in my heart
Is a secret of music… I wait in the rain and am silent.’
Listen again! …It says: ‘I have worked, I am tired,
The pencil dulls in my hand: I see through the window
Walls upon walls of windows with faces behind them,
Smoke floating up to the sky, an ascension of sea-gulls.
I am tired. I have struggled in vain, my decision was fruitless,
Why then do I wait? with darkness, so easy, at hand?
But tomorrow, perhaps… I will wait and endure till tomorrow!’…
Or again: ‘It is dark. The decision is made. I am vanquished
By terror of life. The walls mount slowly about me
In coldness. I had not the courage. I was forsaken.
I cried out, was answered by silence… Tetélestai!

I recalled it again when I read C.S. Lewis’ comments on mythopoeia: myths are ‘lies, he had thought and therefore worthless, ‘even though breathed through silver’. No,’ said Tolkien. ‘They are not lies.’ At that moment, Lewis later recalled, there was ‘a rush of wind which came so suddenly on the still, warm evening and sent so many leaves pattering down that we thought it was raining. We held our breath.’ Tolkien resumed, arguing that myths, far from being lies, were the best way of conveying truths which would otherwise be inexpressible. We have come from God, Tolkien argued, and inevitably the myths woven by us, though they contain error, reflect a splintered fragment of the true light, the eternal truth that is with God. Myths may be misguided, but they steer however shakily towards the true harbor, whereas materialistic ‘progress’ leads only to the abyss and to the power of evil.

Breathed through with silver… Rain falls on the water And pelts it, and rings it with silver. The willow trees glisten,The sparrows chirp under the eaves; but the face in my heart is a secret of music… I wait in the rain and am silent… At some point we realize with Lewis: “Now the story of Christ is simply a true myth: a myth working on us in the same way as the others, but with this tremendous difference that it really happened: and one must be content to accept it in the same way, remembering that it is God’s myth where the others are men’s myths: i.e. the Pagan stories are God expressing Himself through the minds of poets, using such images as He found there, while Christianity is God expressing Himself through what we call ‘real things’.

Therefore it is true, not in the sense of being a ‘description’ of God (that no finite mind could take in) but in the sense of being the way in which God chooses to (or can) appear to our faculties. The ‘doctrines’ we get out of the true myth are of course less true: they are translations into our concepts and ideas of that which God has already expressed in a language more adequate, namely the actual incarnation, crucifixion, and resurrection.”

Is this not when, slowly, inevitably, we begin to read Scripture spiritually – in the sense of “in the spirit” – and then comprehend the “totality of the one Scripture,” as Benedict XVI calls it, not merely the mass of details contained in the Bible, but precisely the Gestalt-like pattern that it expresses itself in, and constitutes all such details. This pattern, in and through its details, is meant to illumine and transform our lives — as if every word of the Bible were written for us personally.

“Myth is a narrative or story, but it is no mere fable or expression of infantile consciousness. Its referents are objective reality and the innermost experience of man’s subjectivity. Myth moves in both of these ultimate directions at once as it narrates the sacred history of the origin of the world and of man. How stories can convey truth in ways that elude ordinary rational thought is a question worthy of great wonder and meditation. But if stories in general have this power, myth is characterized by stories that deliver truth in the most refined and compact narrative form. There is therefore no tension between myth and truth.

As John Paul II writes, “Following the contemporary philosophy of religion and that of language, it can be said that the language in question is a mythical one. In this case, the term “myth” does not designate a fabulous content, but merely an archaic way of expressing a deeper content. Without any difficulty we discover that content, under the layer of the ancient narrative. It is really marvelous.”

It really comes about because human consciousness is fundamentally oriented to seeing ultimate reality as a unified whole and as essentially personal. The myth of the Fall is like this:  much great imaginative literature is merely an articulation and ramification of this myth, deepening our understanding of its meaning and of ourselves as well as regards the qualities and the condensation of the truths contained in it. It took me a long while, all the way through my 20s, 30s, 40s and 50’s before I came to see that the poetry and stories I so deeply loved was the same stuff of scripture.

The new age nitwit in me had challenged scripture with some impossible to satisfy historical critical standard that held its existence as fact in abeyance while not understanding what mythopoeia actually was. When I finally linked the two, I became me, a Christian man fully alive in Christ. I think differently now. Still the same stupid brain, I guess, but one that stands alongside a bend in the river as the rain pelts my umbrella, transfixed by the face like a star in my heart.

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BLUEBERRIES – By Gil Allen

August 24, 2012

All June
and July, berries,
enough berries, more
than enough, berries for the birds
and us!  Each morning
we’d go out in the still
and savor, marveling
in low sunlight at their burgeoning
abacus, subtracting,
the ripest, the best.

Now Carolina August
and only a few
remain — ones we’d have passed
over, or thrown away, it only seems
moments before.  Yet we pluck,
and find, in their barely
bitter, a remembered
flavor — then happen upon one
cluster our soured mouths swear
the sweetest of the season.

When I was a boy I picked blueberries. We would walk over to a swampy lowlands and step into another world of mosses and fallen trees. If the mosquitoes weren’t bad we could spend an afternoon. My mother would spread a blanket and we would scurry off to fill out coffee cans that father had fashioned with a handle of string. It was a perfect afternoon for mother because each of us was off on our own and she could sit and read a book, one of her period romances no doubt. Purple tongues betrayed the child who was not working for a blueberry pie or a blueberry upside down cake. We all dutifully reported from time to time with our coffee cans filled and dumped them into the larger basket that mother had brought with her. There was also a picnic with peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and devilled eggs. We made careful to pick only the largest berries leaving the smaller ones to grow for later in the summer.  Everything seemed perfect.

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